Hypermodern International Congress 2175

Remember, it wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.


Ann Coulter...AKA "Arthur Coltrane" of Pickens, Georgia!

Ann Coulter – A Tragedy Unfolds

Harry Brunser reports from inside the CIA

VIRGINIA, June 8, 2006: Our psych analysts here at Langley tell us that prominent transsexual Ann Coulter is slowly losing his/her mind.

The so-called “Ann Coulter,” who some 35 years ago exited his/her mother’s womb (or so some folks say – others maintain she was found in a barn) as “Arthur Coltrane” of Pickens County, Georgia, recently appeared on television to publicize his/her latest vicious book, which some soon-to-be-bankrupt publisher thought might sell a copy or two. I watched the tape with one of our psych experts.

“Notice the prominent Adam’s apple bobbing up and down,” our analyst said to me. “Observe the bony structure of the face, and how tightly the skin is stretched over it.” He continued, “Look at the constant blinking of the eyes, and the twitching of the mouth, the constant chewing motions of the lips.” He concluded, “This person craves his mother’s tit to suck on.”

“Miss” Coulter maintained in his/her interviews with TV personalities Matt Lauer and Tucker Carlson that the widows of 9-11 victims and Cindy Sheehan, whose son Casey was killed in Iraq, were actually happy about the losses of their male relatives, because of all the money they have received. He/she said that the widows and mothers should gratefully take their payoffs and shut up complaining about “Miss” Coulter’s hero, George W. Bush, another sexually ambiguous freak with, shall we say, exotic proclivities.

(As the analyst said, this surgical monstrosity, Coulter, is losing her mind. She keeps expecting, against all the evidence, that George W. Bush will some day actually take a liking to her. My own conclusion after watching the tape: She’s a pathetic, artificial woman, and as such she has a misplaced sexual appetite for George W. Bush. You might say she’s a trisexual – she’ll try sex with anyone or anything alive, or even pretending to be alive. She is probably mad at poor dead Casey Sheehan for defending her from the Arabs - perhaps the voracious Coulter is secretly peeved that those dark-skinned and hairy Muslim men won’t be shtupping her anytime soon.)

The analyst at our briefing continued: “Notice, if you will, that Miss Coulter’s rants are all directed at prominent women: the 9/11 widows only – she never mentions the parents or children or husbands, you see - and Cindy Sheehan. And also Hillary Clinton. He/she especially hates Hillary Clinton, who is a woman, with a family, who has achieved fame.”

He said, “It’s glaringly obvious what’s going on – it’s womb envy! Since Ann Coulter doesn’t have a womb, can never bear children, and his/her vagina is just a mere artifact, he/she has a pathological hatred of real women - that is, those who were born naturally as women, and not created on some stainless-steel operating table in Denmark.”

(The public should know that some 20 years ago Arthur Coltrane’s doting mother Darlene, heiress to a hog farming fortune, sent her unhappy teenage homosexual son to Copenhagen for a sex-change operation by the world-renowned surgeon Dr. Magnus Johansson. The ever-obliging doctor acceded to Darlene Coltrane’s request, and following the operation gave her the severed penis in a jar of formaldehyde. She keeps it in her bedroom. Talk about a weird family.)

The saddest part of all this is that Arthur Coltrane/Anne Coulter’s adoration of George W. Bush is far from mutual. George Bush in conversation with his colleagues contemptuously calls Ann Coulter “Grasshopper,” after a rather unfortunate photograph which appeared on the cover of TIME magazine. Condoleeza Rice hates the woman and calls her “Lil’ Miss Yeller,” because of the fact that “Miss” Coulter is ashamed of being one-sixteenth Negro, which one would never suspect – those Danish cosmetics are marvelous.

Some family history: “Miss” Coulter’s Congolese great-great-grandmother Charity was freed from slavery in Pickens County, Georgia in 1857, by the Hon. Ambrose Coltrane, then head of the all-white branch of the Coltrane family. Charity was freed and sent away at the insistence of the then Mrs. Coltrane, and left the plantation bearing two gifts: twelve fine hogs and a bouncing half-white bastard baby boy - “Miss” Ann Coulter’s great-grandfather, Festus Coltrane.

“A classic case of gender dysmorphism and womb envy,” our analyst concluded. “You know, of course, how those sex-change operations are done in Denmark.…they remove the penis –the one which his mother keeps next to her bed - and then they fold the skin inside to create a fake vagina, but there’s not enough material there to make a womb. Besides, why bother – who would want to be the child of a monster like that?” He concluded, “As the Bible might put it, there’s no womb at the inn.”

Harry Brunser

Langley, Virginia
(Frog gonad mutation...)

"In the universal toilet bowl, the hard turd of justice makes great waves."

Hypermodern Exam for 6/23/06

Provide either a caption or a subtitle for the following picture:

All type would be in Comic Sans if it were available


Cue Ice Cube - now, follow the bouncing ball....

A piece by New York Times columnist John Tierney...say, did the Davidson town cops ever get that helicopter they wanted for Christmas?

Of all the excuses for weakening the Fourth Amendment, the weirdest was the one offered by Justice Antonin Scalia last week in a Michigan drug case.

He wrote the majority opinion allowing police officers to use evidence found in a home even if they entered without following the venerable rule to knock first and announce themselves. To reassure traditionalists, Scalia declared that unreasonable searches are less of a problem today because of "the increasing professionalism of police forces."

Well, it's true that when police show up at your home in the middle of the night, they're better armed and trained than ever. They now routinely arrive with assault rifles, flash grenades and battering rams.

So if your definition of a professional is a soldier in a war zone, then Scalia is right. The number of paramilitary raids has soared in the past two decades as cities, suburbs and small towns have rushed to assemble their very own SWAT teams.

Some police veterans complain about "militarizing Mayberry," and can't figure out why towns averaging one homicide a decade need paramilitary units. But younger cops like the glamour — our very own SWAT team, just like on TV! Who wants to patrol a beat when you could be playing commando?

And who can resist free gear from Washington? Congress encouraged the SWAT syndrome by directing the Pentagon to give local police departments old machine guns, armed personnel carriers and helicopters. The federal government has also helped subsidize drug raids and encouraged locals to be aggressive by letting them keep a cut of the drug dealers' assets.

The SWAT teams were originally supposed to deal with extraordinary threats, like hostage situations, snipers and heavily armed drug gangs. Since 9/11, of course, they've been justified for combating terrorists. But such situations are so rare that the teams have had to invent new missions to keep busy — and to pay for their operations by finding assets to seize.

Most of the time they're used simply to carry out searches for drugs, often on the basis of dubious tips from informants, often against small-time dealers and other people with no history of violence. The commandos have a proclivity for going to the wrong address, and they tend to be impatient with anything that gets in their way. In articles about SWAT raids, a motif is the shooting of family pets in front of children.

It's hard to know how many botched and unnecessary raids there have been, because police don't systematically track their errors, and the victims often have little recourse. But in a forthcoming report for the Cato Institute, Radley Balko concludes that mistakes have been made in more than 200 raids over the past decade.

He finds that overzealous raiders caused the deaths of a dozen nonviolent offenders, like recreational marijuana smokers and gamblers. In a Virginia suburb of Washington earlier this year, an optometrist being investigated for betting on sports was standing unarmed outside his town house, offering no resistance, when a SWAT officer's rifle discharged and killed him.

Balko also finds that two dozen people died in raids who were not guilty of any crime, like a Mexican immigrant killed by Denver police raiding the wrong home. Some died because they understandably assumed the masked invaders were criminals and picked up weapons to defend themselves. Some were innocent bystanders, like an 11-year-old boy shot in Modesto, Calif., and a 57-year-old woman in Harlem who had a heart attack when police set off a flash grenade during a raid based on a faulty tip.

"Prosecutors typically let police officers off the hook when they mistakenly shoot a civilian," Balko says, "on the theory that mistakes are understandable during the confusion of a raid. Fair enough. But civilians don't get the same deference. My research shows that when someone on the other end of a botched raid mistakes a police officer for an intruder and shoots in self-defense, his odds of facing jail time are about one in two."

The best way to avoid these mistakes would be to save SWAT teams for real crises and let police execute search warrants the old-fashioned way. They could find out, for instance, if they're at the wrong address before anyone pulls the trigger.

But thanks to the Supreme Court, they now have less reason to knock first and shoot later. They can be more professional than ever.


Hello! Big Eye in The Sky...

UATWMF meditates on the Ulysses' violence against Polyphemus

Friday, June 16, 2006 - FreeMarketNews.com

The government has hired defense subcontractor Lockheed Martin to design and develop an enormous blimp that will be used to spy on Americans, according to the Athens News. Government agencies such as the NSA are anticipating that as early as 2009 the blimp will be operational and begin supporting new ways of monitoring everything that happens in the country.
A prototype of the blimp is already being developed at a cost of $40 million. The spy ship, called the High Altitude Airship, will be seventeen times larger than the Goodyear Blimp and hover 12 miles above the ground. Although it is very large it will be invisible to both the naked eye and ground radar because of its distance from the earth. Fuel economic and self sufficient, it will be powered by solar energy and will be able to fly for years at a time.
The U.S. Army Space and Missile Defense Command has already conducted a study to determine some of the uses of the spy ship. It has the capability of monitoring an area 600 miles in diameter at a time with surveillance equipment, such as high-resolution cameras. The government has ordered 11 of them – enough to monitor every parcel of land in the U.S.

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